Jack vs Cactus
by fanotheboyz
Summary: Pre-series: Jack and Matty partner for a mission during their time at the CIA. They never go as planned. A little hurt Jack, well, a lot, actually. No romance. Nothing sexual. Rated T for some mention of nudity and general content, but nothing explicit. I own nothing. Purely for enjoyment.
1. Chapter 1

Jack vs. Cactus

 _A/N: So Jack's buttsicle problem got me thinking, since Matty said she'd 'seen it before.' Then we had the chaps without pants opening gambit. So here's a little imagining about another time when Matty may have "seen it before." I hope you enjoy. Thanks to my friend, Diane for the fun brainstorming that led to this story! Thanks to my friend, Jennifer for beta-reading!_

Chapter 1

"I'm tellin' ya Matty, we lucked _out_!" Jack exclained to his senior partner as they bumped their way through a desert back road somewhere south of the border. They had landed an "observe and report only" mission and had flown in to an unused airstrip and commandeered an old Ford pick-up to make their way northwest toward the small town of Imuris. Matty had been there the year before on a similar mission, but hadn't turned up anything. Now, the situation had changed and they had credible intel on a drug ring making this area their newest base.

Jack loved these missions for the simple reasons he always cited and Matty had heard them a handful of times: "No runnin'. No getin' shot at. No takin' prisoners. No sweat," Jack went on again. Matilda Webber rolled her eyes and gazed out the window at the stars. In the darkness of the desert, the moon and the stars were the only thing besides the headlights providing any light for miles. The Ford took the rough terrain fairly well and they were close to where they were to stop for the night. The plan was to get an early start north and find the leaders of the drug ring that were trafficking heroin north through the border. A follow-up team would be sent in to round them up; one with more munitions, as soon as they knew what they were up against.

Suddenly a fox darted across the road and Jack cursed loudly and swerved to avoid the critter, causing the truck to skid onto the shoulder and come to a stop with the rear passenger tire in a slight ditch. "Well, I hope you're happy there, Mr. Fox!" Jack started to rant as he stepped on the accelerator to bring them back on the road. Only the tire in the ditch just spun and found no purchase while the other tire spun in the gravel of the shoulder.

"Gosh darn it, Jack!" Matty yelled as Jack climbed out of the truck to inspect the situation further. As he rounded the back of the truck, the problem was obvious. The tire was not only in the ditch, but flat. Standing up and kicking the tire, Jack lost his footing as he struck the rim instead, and stumbled backward, down the slight incline. Matty heard him scream and grabbed her flashlight from the glove box and opened the door immediately, scared he'd gotten bitten by a snake or broken a leg or something worse, by the sound of the pained cries coming from him. Jack was still screaming as Matty rushed over to the edge of the ditch and shone the light down on Jack. "Jack! What happened? Are you ok? Can you get up?" He stopped screaming but couldn't seem to answer.

"Help!" he all but panted. "Matty, help me! Oh God!" As Matty looked closer, she realized Jack had apparently tumbled down the slight incline backwards into the waiting arms of a …. _cactus_? He stared up at her with a seriously panicked expression and seemed frozen in place in the middle of several cacti that appeared to be armed with severely ominous spikes!

"Oh no! Jack! Don't move! Don't. Move!" She directed, trying to assess the best way to extricate him. She worried some spines were long enough to inflict serious stab wounds, depending on where they entered Jack's body.

"Matty, you gotta get me outta here! I can't move!" Jack was starting to panic but the more freaked out he became, the calmer Matty spoke.

"Jack, you're going to take my hands and I'm going to pull and you are going to plant your feet and get up as straight as possible so you don't injure yourself further. You can do this!" Jack just nodded at her and winced because he most certainly did not want to move, because no matter what way he went it would hurt. A lot. However, becoming a permanent part of a cactus did not appeal to him either, so he accepted her solution and took hold of her hands, squeezing his eyes tightly shut as she counted to three and pulled. The scream rivaled the one he'd let out the last time he got shot, which he didn't remember hurting quite as much as this.

Matty's eyes watered in sympathy and she thought Jack would pass out when she got him upright. A few deep breaths later, Jack was able to stand fairly straight and she helped him up to the truck.

Each movement tore at his skin since the spines were stuck through his clothes and his clothes moved every time he took a step. Finally, with some relief when he could stop moving, he leaned forward against the truck. "Matty? Any bright ideas? 'Cause right now, I'm hurtin' too much to come up with one. Please tell me you have an idea. _Please_."

"Yeah. I've got one. Let's get you lying in the back of the truck, face down, of course. I'll walk the half a mile into town and try to find a friend of mine with a truck that owes me a favor and ask him to bring me back to get you. We'll stop at whatever store we can find near the motel and I'll get some supplies and have them drop us at the motel. Then we'll get you fixed up, okay?"

"Matty, how 'bout we call for exfil, huh?" Jack practically begged.

"Jack, you really want me to call for an exfil from our 'observe and report' mission because of a run in with a cactus? What do you think that will look like? I think we can get you fixed up enough to continue. How about we see how things look tomorrow before we call in?" Matty suggested. Jack had to agree. It would not look good to scrub an easy mission for something this ridiculous, but geez these spines hurt and he was starting to feel…nauseous…and suddenly, he leaned over as much as he could and threw up on the road. Matty got him some bottled water and put down the tailgate so he could climb into the bed of the truck. It was starting to get cold in the desert but she couldn't put anything over him because he was covered in spines. Pressure from anything at all would be excruciating. The flannel shirt he was wearing would have to be enough. She handed him his gun and another bottle of water.

"Matty, please, hurry, okay? I hate that you have to walk to town, but…" Jack was trying to keep it together. Matty interrupted.

"It's ok, Jack. I'll be back soon. You'll be ok; I promise." And with that, she took off down the road with her flashlight and gun.

As Matty entered the town, she found her friend's home on the outskirts and knocked loudly on the door, calling in Spanish that it was an emergency. The door opened and Juancarlo appeared, staring down at her in disbelief. It took her a few moments to explain the situation. He grabbed his shotgun and called to his wife that he'd be back and ran with Matty to his truck.

To Jack, it felt like hours, but Matty made surprisingly good time and soon, Jack heard the rattle of a truck coming back towards him from the direction of town. Matty called to him, "It's me, Jack! Got some help here. My good friend, Juancarlo, is going to help you into his truck and take us to the motel!"

Jack was never so relieved. Of course, moving brought a whole new layer of pain and he bit his lip to keep from screaming as he was helped out of one vehicle and into the other. As they entered the town, Jack heard noises like you'd hear in any moderate size town, so he hoped there was a drug store that had what Matty needed. He didn't want to spend too much time thinking about what Matty would need to help remedy such a situation, since nothing that occurred to him was remotely pleasant, and every scenario was more than a little painful and embarrassing.

Finally the truck stopped and Juancarlo got out and Jack heard his footsteps as he walked away from the car. About ten minutes later, he returned and they drove another five minutes to the motel. This time, Matty got out and went in, and when she came back, Juancarlo drove around the building and parked the truck, then Jack felt the tailgate being released. There was some discussion between Matty and Juancarlo about the best way to move Jack. He caught bits and pieces but none of that sounded good, either. "Okay, Jack, we'll help you inside," Matty said.

"Slowly, please!" Jack begged and Matty and Juancarlo spoke a little as she directed him. Jack's Spanish was rusty, but the man clearly was sympathetic to his plight and moved him carefully. When he got through the door, Matty turned and hugged her friend, paid him for his trouble, thanking him and closing the door behind Jack. She turned to observe the room, which was clean and modern enough, painted in true local fashion, in a vibrant orange with green trim. There were two full size beds and a nightstand with a lamp, a closet next to the door, and a bathroom with a shower stall in it. She called the desk and asked for extra towels and washcloths and prepared to get to work.

"Ok, don't move, Jack. I have to put down a blanket or the spines will be everywhere. Do you have a full change of clothes in your bag? I'll have to cut these off. Even if I didn't, you wouldn't be able to wear them again."

"Yeah, I have two changes. Just what are you plannin' on doin' Matilda? I mean, I can't just…just… _stand here naked_!" Jack blustered incredulously. He just could not imagine Matty's plan.

"Well after I get the spines out of you, then you can shower and get dressed. You don't have many options here, Jack! You are full of large thorns and small tiny spines from your neck to your knees! You just can't pull on clothes over top of them!" Jack saw the logic in that, and nodded reluctantly. This was _so_ not going to be fun.

"Okay, well, just so you know, I don't take my clothes off for just anyone and when I do, I sure plan on it bein' a lot more fun than this little adventure is shapin' up to be!"

"So noted. Now just stand here and let me get some supplies together," Matty said a little more gently. She collected scissors, tweezers, towels, a magnifying glass, arranging things near her on the bed. She got to work with the scissors first, cutting up the back of all the layers of clothing and gently working them off from back to front, along with a multitude of the spines. Jack hissed in pain as the clothes were pulled off and the spines pulled out of his skin. Matty handed Jack a towel to hold in front of him as she carefully put the shredded clothes in a plastic bag. When she turned back to him, he was shivering and pale and standing stock still as blood trickled down the back of his body. Matty dug some painkillers out of their first aid kit and gave him two tablets and some water, which he accepted gratefully.

"Okay, Jack, just let's get you lying down before you fall down. The good news is that a lot of the spikes came out with the clothes." Jack just nodded but didn't move. He couldn't seem to speak and he had his eyes squeezed shut. Matty carefully guided him to the foot of the bed and he finally crawled onto it and lay on his stomach, sighing in some kind of relief as he hit the softer surface and could stop moving. She got to work pulling out the largest spines first with tweezers and worked from his neck down to the backs of his legs. Each time she pulled a few out, especially in more sensitive areas, Jack yelped and Matty cringed.

"I'm sorry, Matty, but those things are so painful. I read they're barbed, so they actually hurt worse when you pull…..OUCH! Them out!" Tears involuntarily gathered in Jack's eyes from the intense stinging.

"Well, the other alternative is kind of worse, Jack! I don't think you want them left _in_!"

"No, of course not! It just HURTS! Owww! Oh my gosh, you will never let me live this down will you? This is just so…. _humiliating_."

Matty winced as she pulled a large spike from the back of Jack's thigh. Then she paused, feeling sorry for her partner. "I really am sorry, Jack. This isn't your fault. Just let me do the best I can here. This should get rid of 95 percent of the spines, anyway," she said sympathetically.

"Wait…what about the _other_ five percent? What happens to _them_? _Matty_?" Jack insisted she answer.

"Sometimes the tiny ones dissolve on their own. Don't worry, Jack, I'll get the biggest ones for sure," she said as reassuringly as possible.

Matty plucked and pulled and removed all the large spines then started at his neck and used a magnifying glass to remove many of the smaller ones, too. Jack seemed to find this less painful than the first process, anyway. He was groggy and fading in and out when she finally got done and it had taken a few hours.

"Okay, Jack, last step," Matty started.

" _What_? _What's_ _the last step_? Aren't they all out? Matty, you've been at this for hours!" Jack almost whined.

"I'm going to smear glue on this gauze and apply it to your back…and…well…. _everywhere_. Then we'll let it dry completely and pull it off. Most of the spines should stick to it and get pulled out when the gauze comes off," she explained.

"Wait! This is like…you mean you're going to _wax the back of my body_?" Jack asked incredulously.

"Well… sort of. You're just lucky you're not excessively hairy! Anyway, then you can get a shower and I'll scrub the back of you with the scrunchy scrubby thing and apply some antibiotic ointment. Then you can put on clean clothes and get some sleep. Sound good?" Matty tried to end on a positive note. Poor Jack really had endured a fair amount of pain and she was glad that at least she had been able to give him the strong painkillers first.

"Alright, let's get on with it. Next time I see a cactus, I'm gonna shoot it. Darn things think they own this desert….attackin' innocent agents on a 'observe and report' mission that's supposed to be a cake walk…" Jack continued to rant as Matty draped glue-soaked gauze over the back of him, even the more sensitive areas, which made her wince, but spines would hurt worse, she reasoned. She tried hard not to giggle at some of his explatives, but a drugged up Jack was difficult not to enjoy. Finally, she was done and she found a floor fan in the closet and turned it on him to dry the glue faster. Jack shivered and cursed, but agreed that faster was better, in this case. By the time the glue was totally dry, Jack was downright cold and when Matty turned off the fan, he sighed in relief.

The relief was short-lived as she told him to brace himself and ripped off the first strip across the top of his back. He jumped but didn't yell. The rest of his back hurt but not as much as when she moved to the strips across his lower body. By this point, his resolve had crumpled.

" _Son of a bitch!"_ he yelled loudly, making Matty very happy that she'd asked for an end unit with no occupied rooms on any side.

"I'm sorry, Jack! Really. Do you need a break?" she asked sympathetically.

"No. Just _get it done_. _Please_ , Matilda. Hurry up," he ground out through clenched teeth.

"All done, Jack. That's the best I can do. I'm sure there are a few stray ones, but I got all I could see. Let's get you into the shower and I'll try to scrub a little and get as many as we can." Jack just nodded and got up, holding his towel in front of him and staggered to the bathroom, happy to get in the shower and feel the soothing water run over the back of him. He was beyond embarrassment and beyond caring when she scrubbed him down, turned off the water, and wrapped several towels around him. His skin…and his nerves…felt raw.

He stood in the middle of the room and Matty slathered the red, raw skin on the back of him with antibiotic ointment and dabbed at all the tiny pinholes to get the bleeding to stop.

"You look like you were attacked by an army with blowdarts, Jack! While you were running away!"

"Very funny, Matilda. It feels that way too, actually. Not fun. I don't recommend it. Firing squad would be less painful…quicker too," Jack added.

She had some gauze dressings, which she opened up into small sheets and applied loosely. She had him put a clean tee shirt on top and clean boxers. When Jack finally made it to bed, it was past 2 am and he was past exhausted.

Matty got her own shower and got into bed after checking on her partner. He was out cold. She was secretly thankful that he was, at least for now, out of pain. While Jack made her laugh inwardly, doing just about anything, she didn't like seeing him suffer. She surmised that he knew she cared about him, and she did, but the typical banter they shared didn't often allow for that to show much. She sighed in relief, hoping they'd both get at least a little sleep that night.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Jack cracked his eyes open, brought around by Matty moving around the room, shortly after sunrise. He wasn't sure he wanted to move, but he tried some smaller movements first and seemed relatively ok, so he sat up and " _Owwwwwch! Yikes!"_ He stood carefully, thinking that had to be a better option, but his clothing still pushed the little invisible spines…the ones that were still attached… in irritating directions. This was not going to be fun.

"Jack? I'd ask how you're feeling, but…looks like not so well," Matty observed. She came over and lifted Jack's tee shirt and the gauze covering part of his skin and winced. It looked like a bad sunburn with a bunch of tiny pinpricks all over it. Looks like if you drink any water, you'll spring about 1,000 leaks, like in a cartoon!"

"Yeah, I'm sure it's all fun for you. I'm the one with the million holes in his skin, Matty. Also, I hate to complain, but the five percent of spikes left in me are causin' a problem."

"Are you going to be able to go on with the mission?"

"Give me a minute. Is there coffee?" he asked on his way to the bathroom.

"I'll get some at the office and be right back. And don't scratch at any of those or they'll end up in your fingers too!" She warned as she closed the door.

Jack hadn't considered that. He wondered if they tried the gauze trick again in certain spots, if it would get the rest out, and if it didn't, how he'd sit in a car all day, 'observing'. He washed up and shaved and turned to look at his back in the mirror. _Geez_ , there was dried blood, red skin, and little holes everywhere. He looked a mess! Fortunately, it did feel like his back was rid of most of the offending pointy cactus weapons. He could tell just moving his shirt around. There were a few areas _south_ that seemed to need revisiting. Maybe he could do the glue and gauze trick himself there, but he was still covered in ointment, so that wouldn't work. He really did not want to ask for Matty's help again, but it seemed inevitable…unless….

Jack stepped out of the shower after using a washcloth everywhere he could reach to rid himself of the first aid ointment and maybe some of the offending spines. He dried his skin and wrapped a towel around himself carefully, stepping out of the bathroom to get the glue and gauze Matty had used. Matty was on her way in with coffee at the same time. She took one look at him and shook her head.

" _What are you doing_?"

Jack explained his plan as he rooted around for the items he needed. He would have asked her to turn around, but then thought better of it, because, _really_? What would be the point after last night? Matty handed him his coffee and got the glue and gauze and put it in the bathroom for him.

"Jack, if you need me to do it, I will, okay? It's no big deal. Why don't you show me where the worst of it is and I'll see about using the tweezers first, then we'll use the glue again. We have about an hour before we have to leave to get to our observation point, so you've gotta let me know if you are going to be able to do this."

Jack reluctantly sighed and lay on the bed again, pointing to the areas that still hurt when his clothes moved against them. Matty was able to remove a few more tiny spines and then got the glue and spread it on the gauze, applying it to a few spots that Jack could identify. When she was done, he had a quite a few strips covering the back of him again.

"You ready, Jack? Try _really_ hard not to yell because there's a lot of people outside moving around at this time of day, okay?"

Jack nodded and bit on the corner of his pillow as Matty yanked the gauze off as quickly as she could. Jack was literally shaking when she finished and she really couldn't help but to feel badly for him. Now, his previously red skin was even redder, now swollen, and the bleeding had started again. Matty ran a cool shower and got Jack some pain meds, which he accepted and swallowed eagerly with his coffee. Matty produced some sort of local pastry from a bag and made sure he had a few bites so the meds wouldn't make him sick, then she waived him in to the shower.

Jack turned the water as cold as he could stand it to help stop the bleeding and swelling. He tolerated that for about five minutes and got out, shivering, drying down with a clean towel and turning around when Matty knocked and came in with more antibiotic ointment and clean clothes. Finally, he was dressed and as comfortable as he thought he would get for a while and he emerged from the bathroom.

"Well, you _look_ better! What's the verdict? We're on the clock here."

Jack winced and sat gingerly on the bed, testing out his tolerance for any pressure on his sitting parts and the backs of his thighs. Other than a few little stabs from remaining spines, it felt acceptable and he nodded.

"Ok, Matty, let's get goin'." He finished his coffee and pastry and packed up. He stopped when he realized Matty was right behind him. " _What are you doin'_ , _Matilda?"_

"Just wanted to see if coffee was leaking out from any of those holes," Matty smiled and winked. Jack returned her comment with a sarcastic eye roll.

They had to find a new vehicle, but that was no problem in a town this size. They were able to pay someone to use their vehicle for the day. Matty wasn't a bad con artist. She sold the story that they're car had broken down on the way to a funeral. The older gentleman at the garage seemed to feel sorry for her and loaned them an older model sedan, which Matty paid him twice the going rental rate for. Jack shook his head and smiled as he crossed his arms and leaned against the building, watching her. This woman had more hidden talents than he had _ever_ given her credit for!

Jack put their bags in the trunk and very gingerly got in the driver's seat, earning a questioning look from Matty.

"What? Damn clothes feel like they're made of hair!" he groused, but sped off in the direction of their observation point.

Jack managed to stay seated in the car most of the afternoon, as they watched the drug dealers come and go from the warehouse down in the valley, about a hundred yards from where their car was parked on a hill, behind some shrubs…and cacti. He fidgeted occasionally and grimaced as he looked through his field glasses and Matty watched his expressions covertly.

"A little sore, there, Tex?" she teased lightly.

"I would appreciate if you would drop the subject, Matty. It's bad enough I had to swallow my pride and let you pluck the damn thorns outta my…. _well, you know_ , but I don't really wanta hear about it forever. Not exactly a pleasant memory," Jack said as evenly as he could without taking his eyes from the binoculars.

"I'm sorry, Jack, but I was just trying to make light of it a little. I don't want you feeling all uncomfortable about it," she said almost sincerely.

Jack looked away from their intended observees for a moment to look Matty in the eyes. His expression was sincere. "Matilda, I'm only goin' ta say this once and I want you ta know I mean it. Thank you… for helpin' me out. I couldn't a done it myself. You're a true friend and you even tried not to make too many jokes at my expense. You were even…you know… _kind_. I appreciate it more than you know. But if you ever make any jokes about this, or tell anyone else about this, I will make you sorry." Then he smiled warmly at her and went back to observing through the binoculars.

"You're welcome, Jackass."

Epilogue:

Jack sat at his desk in the CIA headquarters in LA, doing the dreaded paperwork that his job called for from time to time. He'd wished he'd taken off for his birthday, but was trying to save up his time for a proper vacation, so he was resigned, but not exactly thrilled to be working on his birthday. He looked up when he heard a knock on the door. One of the secretaries smiled at him and brought in a medium sized floral delivery box.

"Mr. Dalton? This just came for you," she smiled pleasantly, adding, "There's a card!" She turned and left as Jack just stared after her and then at the box. Suddenly, his day was looking a lot brighter. Apparently his mom or sister or, with any luck, some admiring young woman had thought of him on his birthday! He opened the box and peered inside at the tissue paper surrounding a potted… _cactus_?!

He got up and closed the door, returned to his desk and opened the card.

" _Happy Birthday, Jack!_

 _Matty"_

Jack threw the card onto his desk, picked up the boxed plant and stormed out of the office toward Matty's.

" _MATILDA!"_


End file.
